My grandma died this morning. I don't think I know where to go with this. I dunno what to do with myself...I think I just had to write in my blog about it.

My sister told me when I got up today. I guess it wasn't all that shocking cuz it was pretty much inevitable. The facts are she was an old woman and she'd been sick on and off and the whole reason why she flew back home was to stay there. And there's where she wanted to be when she passed.

Poor Dad. He's been thru this with his brother and it doesn't seem to hit him hard but what do I know? Maybe it's cuz he's a man, maybe it's how he is, maybe that's how he deals. He doesn't cry or anythin but I've never seen him sad. I mean, he's not CHEERY about it but I dunno, I guess he takes it better than you'd assume. He's flyin out tomorrow.

Like I said, I dunno what to do with myself. I'm sad about it but I think I'm OK. It doesn't hit me unless I stop and think about it. Al called me and I told her about my grandma and I was perfectly fine. Then she asked me if I was close close to her and my voice started to waver, it just got me right then. Cuz she was the only grandparent I've ever known since my mom's parents and my dad's father died before I was born and she had lived with us for pretty much my whole life.

I knew this day was gonna come. I knew some day she was gonna pass and I would hafta deal with it cuz it was gonna happen in my lifetime. And I didn't want that day to come. I thought about it and I didn't wanna know how I'd feel about it. I didn't want to say that that day was the day that I was never gonna see her again...that the last time I saw her would be the last time.

What really freaks me out is that when I was lyin in bed about to get up today, for some reason, I was thinkin about her and how it sucked that I didn't get to say goodbye to her properly when she left a couple months ago cuz they were all in a hurry and it was chaotic and whatever. I was thinkin about how thin she'd gotten from bein in the hospital those couple times. And how the last time she was in the hospital, I'd be forever upset with myself if she had passed when I wasn't there and coulda been with her or somethin. But that didn't happen. I was so glad that she made it past Christmas and the new yr and all that. She hung on and she got better and was well enough to fly home and be with the rest of her family over there. So yeah...I was randomly thinkin about my grandma and then I was told she died. It's the whole ESP thing scarin me again.

I'm goin on about my day cuz I'm relatively alright with it but then I feel like I should be more devastated about it. Then at times I'm cryin about it. Every now and then I hafta stop what I'm typin in this post so I can wipe my eyes. I dunno what's wrong with me. Then 10 mins later, I feel OK enough that I can go lalalala and be like this is any other day and I can go out and do stuff or whatever. But then it wouldn't feel right. I can't go for a drink and be out with my friends or have a good time and partyin the same day my GRANDMOTHER DIED. I suppose it doesn't hit me harder cuz I'm so involved in my own life and I haven't been with her lately and she's all the way on the other side of the globe so it's like a diff world, like I'm removed from it...like it's not really happenin cuz it didn't happen right here, right in front of me. I have these moments. I can be totally normal...I can find a stupid thing here and there funny, I was even upbeat and laughin a few times when I was talkin to Al on the phone. What am I supposed to do? Sit here and reflect on it, I guess. The least I can do is think about her. I'm certainly in no mood to do hw. Then I'm gonna have a cry for 5 mins and be over it again. I'm usually not an emotional person, I'm not a cryer. In fact, of all things, I (and probably other ppl) would think that I don't feel enough, period...or show enough :P

*Sigh* This was probably healthy for me...writin about it, I mean. I probably needed to just express it in a big rant of words. I'm not even sure what happened exactly, only that she died at home...cuz my family was busy talkin with relatives and tryin to get flights plans for my dad. I'm not sure what I'm thinkin right now. I'm not sure how I'm feelin. But it kinda feels like somethin you've ignored or couldn't see and you've just became so much more aware of the world cuz it came and hit you sideways.

Do you like how just yesterday I was goin on about how I didn't get to go out? What if I did end up hittin the bar and had a wicked time? I woulda had a good night and during that time or right after, my grandma had died. Life can change so quickly...things can just come up outta nowhere and slap you in the face.

Fuckin Canadian winter! Yup, no Shmooze. It didn't snow a LOT but it's just that there's black ice everywhere (how, I dunno) and the roads are just horrible. I've been hearin wheels spinnin and the 'bang!' of cars hittin eachother outside all night. It's crazy. I could see the insanity out the window, almost literally on my front lawn. A car spun out here, a fender-bender there...I heard/saw about 8 so far. I think it's esp cuz there's the stop signs right in front my house.

But yeah, we were supposed to head out for the bar at 5:30 but that turned into 6 cuz G got out later and then she was stuck in traffic. We were all callin eachother and I was msg'ing Cat and Kim, I pretty much had them about come with us. But we didn't know WHAT time G would get back up here. 7 came around and the Shmooze plans were off but we'd go to dinner or somethin around here. Then G almost had a lil bump into the curb as she was comin to pick me up and that just freaked her out so she didn't wanna drive anywhere anymore that night. I didn't even know where she'd park cuz there were those cars that got into accidents blockin the way. I'm like, calm down...just come in and take a breath. She stayed for a bit and didn't even wanna make the drive from my house to hers. Yeah, she spooks easily :P No one else had a car so dinner was off too.

Man, what happened to tonight?? I was dressed and primped and ready to go...to end up goin nowhere. I talked to L and P and we woulda all looked so good, haha. I've been gettin ready since like 2:30! Cuz they rag me about runnin late all the time and it takes me a while to shower, do my hair, put in my contacts, get dressed, and do my makeup and all that...so today I was rarin to bounce. Foiled! But what're you gonna do, right? At least Al would be less disappointed, haha. Family dinner plans got sprung on her and she was like the most excited out of all of us to go to Shmooze and she was so upset she had to go to the dinner thing instead. I'm like, we might not even end up goin at all. Maybe we'd go Sat? But then Sat doesn't seem the same, plus I haven't been on a Sat so I dunno how good it'd be.

Just madness. Teased...TWICE!

Hmmm...I did take Tylenol and I also took a nap so the hw thing didn't happen :P I'm so screwin myself this week.

P's back! So's Fish! But Fish hardly ever surfaces to go out and do stuff so whatever on that, haha. I was totally anticipatin stayin in and realistically just leafin thru my research books but L and P were on Messenger and they wanted to do somethin. L has her 2nd interview this morning so she couldn't do anythin too late last night. Me and P just stopped by Timmy's and she wanted Domino's pizza right then. We got kinda lost lookin for the place...plus it had stupid confusing entrances where you can enter the plaza. That was a 10 min wait while they made her pizza for her. It wasn't 10 mins. We were sittin in my car in the parkin lot in front of the store, catchin up on her NY stories. Then she went to check if her food was ready and they had messed up her order so they had to make her another one. I dunno how but it took an hr before we finally got to L's house, haha. P got us a buncha Victoria Secret stuff (smell-good stuff, not undies). And she got me a jade choker thing. I like presents :)

We're goin to Shmooooze tonight! That's the plan anyway. Please don't let it snow, please don't let it snow. G won't drive downtown otherwise. G, L, P, and Al are all excited cuz they've never been so they're about to be devirginized :P I'm tryin to get Kim and Cat to come too. World, don't ruin my plans!

Vick's goin to Ecuador for 3 weeks and leavin on Sat so we all went out for dinner at Baton Rouge. I didn't order anythin except Hpnotiq straight up on the rocks, haha. The waiter's like, single shot? Quadruple shot? I'm like, single shot! Single! I'd probably be on the floor...and be out about $25. It tastes alright, worth tryin.

It had started snowin like crazy when we headed out. It was like total whiteout so it was fun tryin to see any lane markers :P

Then we went to G's, chilled and burned those CDs. That was some jokes. Vick and G tend to make me laugh doin stupid things and not even tryin to be funny at all.

I watched The Good Girl on TV...good movie. "What's your name...Catcher?" Hahaha.

I think I'll do some research today or at least start the bibliography. But I'm gettin a headache right now. To drug or not to drug?

Again, Q boys to the rescue. Always makin my day so much better :) L was in an unusual mood and wanted to go to Q's so we went. I think it was league night or somethin cuz it was a sausage fest up in that piece. And my boys were there! I hadn't seen them in so long, cuz P was tryin a 'no Q's or Ian' diet :P

We played for a bit til the money was gone. L had some weird trip-out and almost fell and knocked into the table, haha. Of course that meant the hilarious attempt at recovery. Good times.

Then we jetted and headed to Timmy's. I did all the goodbye hugs with Mike and Shane and Adam but they ended up comin to Timmy's later too. Me and L were in the middle of conversation when they came in with Joe and just sat their asses down at our table, haha. Rude. We chilled and played cards for a while. L finally met them all :P They're so much fun...and now she can understand my love for them, haha. Mike needed a beer really really badly so they left and we bounced home.

On an unrelated yet related note...not appreciatin the facial hair on guys, haha. It's good to look at but it's kinda irritating. Kisses aren't fun when you have the pricklies on your face. What's a girl to do? Haha.

"I'm fantastic!"

Kim sent me an email of pix from her friend Angela's friend's bday party with the surprise stripper that we didn't end up makin it to. Let's just say that at one point, I was like, OMG is that her MOM??? LOL

OK back to American Idol...

Al was holed up in her room doin the sippy sippy when I caught her on Messenger. I'm like, what's wrong with you? You can't be drinkin by yourself at home...why didn't you call me?? Haha. That alky. But she was thinkin about Mike again and that got her in a funk even tho she now vowed she was never talkin to him again...but "he's so hot" :P This'll take some time.

So I just need to pick up a blank tape at the mall and asked if she wanted to come with. Then pretty much nothing after that cuz I had class and she had work in the morning :P

But when we were in the parkin lot, I was gettin out of the car and was bein careful not to open the door too much cuz there was a car beside me. Didn't matter that I tried to be easy with it cuz it was pure windy today and a strong ass gust blew it open wider and it dinged the other car! And there was somebody sittin in it! I didn't know what to do for a split second cuz I was just, ???...that didn't just happen. Then I looked at Al and she looked at me and we both looked at the guy. Then he came out :( Haha. First thing outta my mouth was, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" We looked at the door and I saw some long scratch on it and I'm like, oh fuck no. Cuz you KNOW some ppl will rage on your ass for the tiniest thing they find. No way I did that tho...right? I'm all, I can't see anythin (my hair was whippin all in my eyes and the car was dirty) and I'm wipin the dusty grime stuff with my glove so the scratch wouldn't look so apparent, haha. But he was actually pretty nice about it, he just asked me to open my door to see where it woulda hit and there was nothing there so all was good. It hit the rubber siding thing I guess. Thank you, nice man! Fuckin wind!

Then I spent more than 20 mins drivin around to all the convenience stores in the area to get those damn bus tickets (which went up to $20 for 10 over the weekend, btw). They were either all out or closed. Fantastic.

Mondays are fun, aren't they. At least I didn't have readings...cuz I just didn't do them, haha.

I went to G's to finish that CD and I still didn't even get it burned. Heather and Sarah started to argue so we just got outta the way before we got hurt :P You know when you should just remove yourself so you're not caught in the middle and feel the wrath? Yeah. It wasn't just some yellin either, it was a bitch-fight. G was just like, uh oh they're comin, we better get outta the way! Cuz they were comin in the room we were in and they continued to scream at eachother while were still in there goin lalala. Then we quietly left, shut the door, and went into the other room. Justin was out in the hall waitin it out. I said hey and he's like, can I come in this room too? Hahaha. Then Heather came in after they had finished words and was like, why did you guys leave and come in here?? LOL Then she started rationalizin everythin Sarah had said. "I don't have a desk! I don't have a desk, right? Right?" Hahaha. She's so funny. Oh those girls!

I brought over I Heart Huckabees for G too. Blockbuster's got no late fees now which is sweet. But they're just askin for it, cuz NOBODY is gonna bring movies back on time now. Really, why even bother with 2 night or whatever rentals, ppl are gonna keep them for like a week anyway. As long as you bring it back before a month or however long you can go without them chargin you to buy the entire DVD. Not that I'm complainin...G can bring that movie back whenever she feels like it, it's on Al's account, haha.

Blah, I hafta do laundry, get bus tickets, renew my library books, do some research. I hate the feeling of knowin essay due dates are comin.

Aha! I knew there was a reason I was bein all weird...friggin PMS business! Damn crippling pains hit me today. Fun stuff. There is never a point in my life when I wish Tylenol would work faster.

I just got back from Chris' condo. After we went to dinner at Milestones, we watched I Heart Huckabees. Kind of an overrated movie, I think. I heard a lot of hype about it, it was this indie gem with an A-list cast, it was so well-received at the film fest and all that. But I didn't think it was all that great. It was entertaining in the beginning and all the actors were interesting to watch (I love Mark Whalberg) but it got kinda boring. Mostly existentialist stuff over and over. I guess it was 1 of those movies that aren't exactly good but it was good to have watched it, ya know? Like experimental films...different and somethin to experience.

Anyway, tonight was good. We caught up on school with Chris and how Jason's doin with work down in Austin. Al got her American Tommy charm-bracelet watch, haha. OMG I hafta get into what happened at Blockbuster. So Al had a Bellini at dinner but I swear she was actin such the drunk. They had cancelled her membership cuz she hadn't rented for 6 months or whatever so she had to get a new one. This was a process. The girl at the counter had to tell her she needed a driver's licence and a credit card and asked if she was in school so she'd get some bonus thing and all this other offer stuff they had to sell. I dunno what Al was hearin this whole time but the girl must've asked her for a credit card like 3 times. This is what a part of the conversation was like when Al confirmed she wanted to get that new membership card:

Girl: "I'll need a credit card." (Al hears this as, "We'll mail you a [Blockbuster] credit card.")
Al: "OK."
Girl: "OK."

And they just stand there lookin at eachother...

Al: "So what is it that you want??" LOL

Oh man, you had to be there. I laughed my ass off. We were just like, sorry, she was drinkin :P