My grandma died this morning. I don't think I know where to go with this. I dunno what to do with myself...I think I just had to write in my blog about it.

My sister told me when I got up today. I guess it wasn't all that shocking cuz it was pretty much inevitable. The facts are she was an old woman and she'd been sick on and off and the whole reason why she flew back home was to stay there. And there's where she wanted to be when she passed.

Poor Dad. He's been thru this with his brother and it doesn't seem to hit him hard but what do I know? Maybe it's cuz he's a man, maybe it's how he is, maybe that's how he deals. He doesn't cry or anythin but I've never seen him sad. I mean, he's not CHEERY about it but I dunno, I guess he takes it better than you'd assume. He's flyin out tomorrow.

Like I said, I dunno what to do with myself. I'm sad about it but I think I'm OK. It doesn't hit me unless I stop and think about it. Al called me and I told her about my grandma and I was perfectly fine. Then she asked me if I was close close to her and my voice started to waver, it just got me right then. Cuz she was the only grandparent I've ever known since my mom's parents and my dad's father died before I was born and she had lived with us for pretty much my whole life.

I knew this day was gonna come. I knew some day she was gonna pass and I would hafta deal with it cuz it was gonna happen in my lifetime. And I didn't want that day to come. I thought about it and I didn't wanna know how I'd feel about it. I didn't want to say that that day was the day that I was never gonna see her again...that the last time I saw her would be the last time.

What really freaks me out is that when I was lyin in bed about to get up today, for some reason, I was thinkin about her and how it sucked that I didn't get to say goodbye to her properly when she left a couple months ago cuz they were all in a hurry and it was chaotic and whatever. I was thinkin about how thin she'd gotten from bein in the hospital those couple times. And how the last time she was in the hospital, I'd be forever upset with myself if she had passed when I wasn't there and coulda been with her or somethin. But that didn't happen. I was so glad that she made it past Christmas and the new yr and all that. She hung on and she got better and was well enough to fly home and be with the rest of her family over there. So yeah...I was randomly thinkin about my grandma and then I was told she died. It's the whole ESP thing scarin me again.

I'm goin on about my day cuz I'm relatively alright with it but then I feel like I should be more devastated about it. Then at times I'm cryin about it. Every now and then I hafta stop what I'm typin in this post so I can wipe my eyes. I dunno what's wrong with me. Then 10 mins later, I feel OK enough that I can go lalalala and be like this is any other day and I can go out and do stuff or whatever. But then it wouldn't feel right. I can't go for a drink and be out with my friends or have a good time and partyin the same day my GRANDMOTHER DIED. I suppose it doesn't hit me harder cuz I'm so involved in my own life and I haven't been with her lately and she's all the way on the other side of the globe so it's like a diff world, like I'm removed from it...like it's not really happenin cuz it didn't happen right here, right in front of me. I have these moments. I can be totally normal...I can find a stupid thing here and there funny, I was even upbeat and laughin a few times when I was talkin to Al on the phone. What am I supposed to do? Sit here and reflect on it, I guess. The least I can do is think about her. I'm certainly in no mood to do hw. Then I'm gonna have a cry for 5 mins and be over it again. I'm usually not an emotional person, I'm not a cryer. In fact, of all things, I (and probably other ppl) would think that I don't feel enough, period...or show enough :P

*Sigh* This was probably healthy for me...writin about it, I mean. I probably needed to just express it in a big rant of words. I'm not even sure what happened exactly, only that she died at home...cuz my family was busy talkin with relatives and tryin to get flights plans for my dad. I'm not sure what I'm thinkin right now. I'm not sure how I'm feelin. But it kinda feels like somethin you've ignored or couldn't see and you've just became so much more aware of the world cuz it came and hit you sideways.

Do you like how just yesterday I was goin on about how I didn't get to go out? What if I did end up hittin the bar and had a wicked time? I woulda had a good night and during that time or right after, my grandma had died. Life can change so quickly...things can just come up outta nowhere and slap you in the face.