I can publish long posts again so...Jay is really into me and I can't handle it, haha! I posted a while back about my personal thing on guys and dating and bein single, etc, and the whole more than friends situation just keeps replayin. I can't DO IT!! It's so hard to tell someone you don't feel them that way!

Fri we didn't end up clubbin cuz G had some shit to deal with so me and L were gonna do somethin. We ended up goin to Fox & Fiddle...had the pub fare, danced it up. Fun stuff but it was gettin a lil too crazy in there so we bounced around 1:30. Oh and I saw some of Alan's friends there, the same guys we met, haha. That woulda been a weird and potentially awkward experience, if they had bumped into me. I had called Jay before we left for the bar and left a msg. He said he wanted to do somethin with me over the weekend and never would he pass up a chance, I'm tellin you. He calls me 4 hrs later when we're in the parkin lot about to go home (he had just gotten off army work and was at a bar downtown with his friends) and was like, yeah come down and meet up with us. I'm like, no you called too late so we're goin home :P

Sat he wants to hang out again. His buddies were goin to Milwaukee's but L wanted to stay in the area and whatever so Jay was gonna do what I was gonna do regardless. Here I hafta say 2 things: 1)It's a good thing when a guy respects that you have other friends and they came along first and you wanting to kick it with both him and other ppl is cool. 2)It's not a good thing when you call a person too much...AKA every day and you're not even together. I'm just sayin, at this point. Me and L decided to go to D&B's, and Jay was gonna meet up. We played a buncha games, won some tickets, browsed some prizes. I'm up to 3100 points, haha...crazy. Then we hit BP for food. This is the night were things DEFINITELY became clear where Jay wanted to go with this :P Nothing like mackin but it was more than just hinting, trust that. So I'm like, oh god! Not this again. Honestly, I'd wanna hang out with him, he's a nice guy and he's fun and good lookin and all that, I have no problem with these things at all...but I'd just wanna go out and do things together in a non bf-gf way. Friends! Guys can be friends with girls and girls can have guy friends, it's nuthin new. And really, I'd have nuthin to say against messin around but not meanin that we're together the next day. Cuz I just might not call you every day after that. I won't hound you cuz I think we had somethin more and you owe me your time. I won't be bothered that you make out with someone else right the week after. I will be lookin at other ppl. I won't be with someone exclusively. I will most likely be a terrible gf down the road. It sounds bad but in my own context, it's the truth.

So L gets a call and she leaves to talk for a bit and me and Jay are sittin there next to eachother in the booth. He goes, can I ask you somethin? To me, those words are the equivalent to the classic "We have to talk," except we're not even dating, let alone fightin. So I was kinda dreading what he was gonna say next. "When can I take you out on a date?" I totally wussed out and tried to play around it. I was honestly stunned on what to say so I was talkin nonsense to avoid directly answerin the question. What I SHOULD have told him was all that previous stuff I wrote. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him, it really is me. So old and so cheese and so cop out-ish I know! But that's the real. And I couldn't say it. The words were there in my throat but it wasn't happenin. I felt like I was gonna hurt his feelings. Maybe it's arrogant of me to assume that it'll let him down but. I know, it's probably worse to NOT tell him, esp since he's gonna still be callin me and I let this thing keep goin. But then it's bad to say this kinda thing over the phone, isn't it? Cuz if I do it to his face, that means we'll hafta go out and do somethin together again and that's draggin it on, right? OK fine, I may have brought this on myself, whatever.

He was holdin my hand and gettin close and touchy-feely, that's fine, yeah yeah...obviously not friend territory but I couldn't be like, don't touch me. I don't MIND that. I didn't mind the bear hug goodbye in the parkin lot. It's what it all MEANS. Actually, what it all might mean to HIM. OK I need to shut up about this and just talk to the guy!

New topic! Watched the Blue Jays' last game of the season (it was packed today!), dropped my sister off in the Mercedes (the other car was gone and I've never driven the 'Cedes...I want it now! The acceleration's so much better! Haha), chilled with L and G at Timmy's (pictures, yay). I'd normally be out right now and I could be but...I'm a big ____ and I don't wanna call Jay back or do somethin with him. Eeps.